If you follow this blog, then you know I've written a novel, and I'm now in the process of editing it, start to finish. Although Waiting for Paint to Dryis a fictional work in it's entirety, it also has significant elements that ring true to my personal life, past. This brought up some great questions concerning the repercussions of doing so, mainly what other people will find out and how you will feel about them knowing these true details of your life.
Since writing Waiting for Paint to Dry and successfully finishing the first draft, I re-lived my real life events during the beginning stage of the novel. It was a rather cathartic undertaking, dissecting and examining those events and myself at that time, but it turned out to be one that had tremendously positive results for both my book and my psyche.
HOWEVER, there was something that I hadn't considered as a side effect of including those true life events, until recently. Although editing has improved my book to the point of publish ready, it has also incurred a dramatic negative effect on me, to my psyche.
The editing process...
I didn't realize that by going back through the chapters, beginning to end, I would again be brought face to face with the demons that I have already conquered. Although I worked through the healing process in real life long ago, then again while writing out the first draft, my character, Matty Bell, will forever live in still life.
Flip the book open to any page, and that's where she's at, at the moment. She's forever stuck. She doesn't move forward unless you read on.
At the beginning of the book, my main character has yet to over come anything. And since her emotions are so raw, so real, I've had to relive and relive and relive the roller-coaster with her, while I edited and edited and edited the first few chapters. They are dark ones, reader be forewarned.
And because I was in the trenches, again, with her, it took me a good long while to notice that her internal turmoil was effecting me. For a while there, I felt as though the events that took place in my own life, that I've weaved into my novel, were happening all over again...and again...and again.
And I felt stuck too! I haven't felt like that in years. Stuck in the past. I was again reliving the moments, not being able to stop thinking about them, talk about them, like I was at the beginning of my own healing process all over again...
The moment I finished editing chapter 3, its final run of edits, I finally pinpointed my problem: I was feeling stuck because I was reliving the trauma by reading and editing it so many times over. It was all coming back to life.
Needless to say, I started with a few mantras right then and there, reminding me that this happened a long time ago, and that I'm a new person now. And better for it.
Although I feel sorry for Miss Matty Bell, she too will be fine, soon. I just have to edit on so I can bring her to the place of healing that I've come to know and love.
And that will happen soon. Very soon...
I'm so excited and relieved to get beyond the dark shadows of my book. I'm now moving on into the lighter pigments, which cast a beautiful glow. I like the sound of that side effect.
The rest of the book, after she gets going, is a fun ride for sure, reader be ready!
Then, in the end, she... Well, you'll have to read it for yourself to find out.
I blame my parents for having us live in Italy for three years while I was growing up. Every Friday morning, the town we lived in held an open air market - mercato - where you could purchase anything and everything fresh.
Fresh fish from the sea, fresh artichokes picked that morning, homemade pastas that took two seconds to cook...and eat ;) Oh, and let's not forget the cheese wagon. Every Wednesday at the same exact time, a man pulling a cart of cheese wheeled down our street singing, "formaggio... mozzarelli... provelone..."Now that's a real cheese wagon :)
So I got mega used to eating whole fresh foods...and fell in LOVE! There is no beating the taste of a ripe red tomato mixed with fresh basil, straight from the garden. I think that's why everything tastes so much better in Italy. Everything is fresh and local. So what if I couldn't drink the water or that the heat and electricity went off daily at 3pm because someone had to go home for siesta. I was in food heaven!!!
And then we moved back to the States - God love America - where there is a grocery store open daily on almost every corner. Only thing, most of the food available here comes in a box. Or a plastic bag. Or worse! And it's not fresh. It's not even local!
Oh, the horror!!!
Well, fast forward to today. I'm married to super conservation man and together we are raising two amazing little greenies. I've been a stay at home mom for six years and have not one thing in my life to complain about. Nothing, that is, except my food budget. It's tight. Living on one income in a very expensive part of the country and being able to buy good whole food that is fresh, organic, and local is difficult to say the least. But it's doable. And for a while there I was doing pretty good.
For the last two years, however, I've been feeling the pinch. Food prices continue to rise, utilities are still going up, and gas is expensive.
Yet, I still want to be able to feed my family well, but wanting to buy and eat only organic, local, fresh foods can be quite costly. I know of one local mom who spent over 17K last year in food alone because they ONLY eat local, organic, fresh meats, cheeses, fruit, vegs, ect.... That's a lot of money.
Of course I could easily manage to buy all sorts of shit food (pardon my language) with my food budget. I could feed my family from the box and dollar menu and have money left over! But I'm a food snob, remember? I cannot eat that stuff. Ingredients I can't pronounce? Food that doesn't even look or taste anything like food? Packaged, frozen, processed, freeze dried disgustingness???
Oh no. Not me, baby. Not after eating REAL food. It's just not possible.
Plus, I don't want my kids eating shit - crap - either. We are what we eat. When we eat crap, we feel like crap and therefore act like crap. And I'm not interested in taking care of kids who act up all the time and get sick all the time because they are being fed crappy food.
So, having very little wiggle room in the budget, but wanting only the best (what mom doesn't?), I've learned how to get most everything we need (aka: I want) on the budget we have. It's fun being a food snob. You just have to find a way to do it when you don't have endless amounts of the green stuff lying around. Below are some of the things I do to get what I want, thus enabling me to eat really yummy good for me food all the time
I don't do all my shopping in one place.
Some things at my main grocery store are too expensive, yet elsewhere they aren't. Took me a while to scout out all the good deals, but now I know that by going to three separate stores on a rotation, I can come home with a lot more of what I want for less $.
I garden.
I grow tomatoes and herbs and carrots and potatoes and all sorts of yumminess :) By doing so, I control what goes in and on my food. The kids have their own garden plots too, and we spend a good deal of time with our beloved Mother Earth to keep it going. After the cost of seeds, what we reap is free. FREE! Best price ever :)
I go to Farmer's Markets.
And stock up. What I find for good deals, I buy bunches of and freeze what we're not eating that week. Frozen blueberries, frozen green beans, frozen anything. Tastes great when picked and stored at peek season. Nothing better than pulling out veggies in the dead of winter that you bought fresh and know where they came from. Tastes great.
I buy in bulk.
When I can, I save up and buy staples in bulk. Flour, sugar, pasta, rice... This year I'm buying 1/4th of a bison and a neighbor of ours who likes to hunt is getting us a deer. Who knows how long this supply of meat will last, especially since we only eat meat two to three times a week. (Meat is pricey) This, of course, will happen after I find an inexpensive deep freezer on Craigslist (anyone have one they don't want?)
I do without.
Yes, you heard it. We don't buy pop (soda). The kids drink juice once a day and that's it, if that. Instead we drink water, H2O, aqua fresca...you get the picture. Same thing with junk food. Since we don't eat it, we don't buy it, thus we save big bucks. And if it's not on sale and it's not in the budget, oh well. Better luck next time, right?
I stretch it.
I can make five meals out of one chicken. And that doesn't include the amount of chicken stock I make and use from the bones. So I might spend a little more buying an organic chicken - or A LOT more buying an organic local chicken - but I'll make that dollar stretch as much as possible. With a little ingenuity, you can think of ways to make anything stretch more than one meal.
Of course, all of this takes time, energy, and knowledge, something that most of us are hard pressed to find. But it CAN be done if you put in the work. The biggest benefit from all of this? You won't have to compromise. I don't. Just know that there will be times when you can't get the big ticket items, but that's fine. You don't have to have exactly what you want ALL the time, do you? My goal is to have good for us food only, and don't concern myself with specifics.
Everyone can be a food snob on a budget. All you have to do is learn to go with the flow, enjoy what's in season, and make the most of what you've got.
The nursing relationship is just that - an intimate interaction, connection, between a mother and her child. It helps us bond, communicate needs, and transforms us into one beautiful little unit.
From the beginning, though, many people - friends, doctors, family - all like to interject their opinions on what you are doing. How many times have we heard, "you feed him too much" or "I don't think he's getting enough". What about, "don't you think it's about time to stop that now?"
Enter weaning.
Weaning doesn't have to be a tragic ending...
Ending your nursing relationship on a positive note can bring just as warm memories as the beginning did.
Although many people, whether informed or misinformed, mean well, the ending your nursing relationship is not up to them. It's up to you and your baby. And every nursing relationship is different! No two babies nurse the same, no two mom-child teams wean the same.
Weaning is a part of breastfeeding, but it doesn't have to be an abrupt, sad experience. Gradual, gentle weaning that respects the feelings and needs of both the mother and child can be a wonderful way to transition into the next phase of your ever growing relationship.
Here are my two weaning stories...
My Baby #1 :)
When my son was born, he started nursing within minutes. He 'army crawled' his way up to my chest, lifted his head, and latched himself on without any help! He knew what he wanted and how to get it :) We nursed beautifully for the next two years without a hitch (minus two nursing strikes, but we worked through them! More on that later.)
When I became pregnant with my daughter, I was still nursing my son, who had just turned two. Although he was only nursing occasionally during the day and to sleep, he was in NO WAY near ready to wean. And I didn't want to push him to either. So I let him nurse whenever he liked during his busy days, which was sometimes only once or twice a day by that point, and to sleep. He was an active toddler ;)
Except, as it is for some women, nursing while pregnant can sometimes become really painful and irritating. The moment he latched on, instead of a rush of bliss and relaxation that I had always felt before, I was instantly climbing walls!
I was all for tandem nursing - nursing a toddler and an infant at the same time. I had read all the books and was excited to try it!...But nursing had become so uncomfortable for the both of us (you can't be a very nice mommy when you're flinching and grimacing), I sadly knew it was time to wean. My poor son would have loved to continue, and so would I! I fought it with everything I had, and was determined to keep going. But then he'd latch on and I'd hit the roof!
After two months of that, I decided to wean. But, instead of stopping instantly, which would have been great for my nipples, but stressful and cruel for my son, I wanted to naturally wean him. I slowly introduced the concept of "the baby is coming, and she needs the milkies now"... Least to say, my son was not amused!
He was not about to share his 'milkies'!
To help me naturally weaning, I used La Leche League's motto: do not offer, do not refuse. I also used mild distraction during the day (like outings, playdates, walks) and introduced daddy bed time (where daddy laid down with him and they went to sleep together, so no milkies from mommy) every other night, then increased it to two nights in a row, then three. This was all done very slowly, week by week, month by month, inch by inch. If I felt I was moving too fast, I'd pause the momentum until he was ok with moving on.
Over the course of the next four months, I gradually and gently removed night nursings first, followed by daytime nursings. This was fall. By the time Christmas rolled around, my son was down to nursing once or twice a week - and we all know the holidays can disrupt a nursing relationship with all that running around! By the new year we had weaned.
He wanted to do gymnastics and I had said that once he was ready to wean - be a big boy - he could do big boy gymnastics class. Of course it was a mommy-n-me class, but he still enjoyed it!
What really helped with his anxiety about the changes in our relationship was that I made sure to still snuggle him to sleep - with me falling asleep with him most times ;) And a lot of reassurance and cuddles during the day. I wanted him to know that mommy was going to be there no matter what. Yes, the milkies were gone, but that didn't mean that what we had created together - our bond - was over.
Once he understood and felt confident that we were still a team, he seemed to latch onto the idea of weaning better and weaned himself over the last month, slowly, gradually, on his time. I know it wasn't totally 'on his time' as I started the process, but I was happy and willing to let him take his time and finish it on his own terms. For me, that was natural weaning at it's best.
My Baby #2 :)
Then I had my daughter that May!...and although we had a rocky start to our nursing relationship, we found what worked for us and had a wonderful nursing experience for the next 3 1/2 years! :)
My daughter is now 3 1/2...I can't believe it! And she just weaned herself. I knew she was my last baby, and I wanted her to have a more gradual natural weaning when our breastfeeding relationship was coming to a close. And since I'm not having any more babies :(, I won't get to breastfeed again. So this choice was simple: Keep going until she was done.
I did want to quit a few times over the last year and a half, but since it was a relationship between she and I, I decided I was ok with letting her call the shots. That's what's great about a nursing relationship. It's only between the two of you. Too bad if no one else agrees. It's not up to them ;)
Then I got sick, and still am. It's all a mystery. That initiated doctors, family members, and friends telling me that I HAD to stop nursing. "It's got to be a drain on your system" is what they were all saying. Doctors would prescribe me things to 'try' that weren't OK for nursing, which meant I had to stop. And I almost did, but I decided to continue nursing, not 'try' meds that I knew weren't going to work anyway, and I'm glad I did. My 'illness' had nothing to do with nursing.
I was very fatigued for weeks at a time and I had to night wean her. Thankfully she loves her thumb as much as her 'mees' (her word for milkies) so I thought it was going to be easy. Boy, was I wrong! She was very stubborn, and I caved every night. One little please was all it ever took :)
Although I was tired as he-double-hockey-sticks, I was glad that I did continue. I loved nursing her. She's a snuggle bug, just warms my heart. Plus, I'd always get the urge to completely wean her right around the winter time, which is stupid. All those germs, colds, flu...so I'd keep going and was glad for it.
Two winters ago, when she was about to turn two, I was toying with the idea of weaning her soon. Gradually start the process. But then my little peanut got sick and couldn't eat nor drink for 4 days. She couldn't even keep water down!
At that point she was only nursing once every three days or so. Well, during that stomach virus, she nursed every two hours for 4 days and was able to keep all the breastmilk down! Kept her hydrated, fed, and out of the hospital. On the night of the 4th day she demanded pizza, we ordered it, and she was better from then on! :) What would have happened, though, had I already weaned her? She couldn't even keep water down. She'd of been hospitalized for sure.
Now, for the past six months or so, she was nursing maybe once or twice a week. Sometimes once every other week. I couldn't believe the milk was still there even when she'd go two weeks without nursing! But it was still there, and whenever she wanted it, I did not refuse. LLL motto!
About a month ago I told her that once she was ready to stop nursing, she could have a prize. She choose big girl ballet/tap lessons ;) She just started and loves it!
As for me...well, I got a prize too!!! A new bra! Breastfeeding for the past 5 or so years, almost nonstop, I didn't have anything else other than nursing bras. My new bra? It's a black lacy number, and if you want to see it, just ask. I love it! I do ;) I feel like such a big girl myself! ha ha LOL...
Remember: Weaning doesn't have to be a tragic ending. Ending your nursing relationship on a positive note can bring just as warm memories as the beginning.
Have you weaned? Thinking about it? How did you do?
And fast food, Chinese take out, left over chips, chips and more chips, a dip in the hidden Halloween candy dish, midnight runs to the kitchen for more junk...Yep...I think that just about says it all...
Fatigue is a b*tch, ya'know? I just didn't have it in me to even cook for a few days running. It was all I could do to just keep up with the kids, the house, and do a bit of laundry. You know you're not doing well when laundry, where your sitting most of the time, kicks your ass. But then I started to feel better (that's the day I started eating chocolate....) and then I was able to find energy again.
However, where I faltered (and, oh, did I falter) I picked up elsewhere big time. I took daily walks, shoveled snow and went sledding, danced with my little girl, and overall had a very active week! And even though the fatigue hit me two days this week where I could barely do anything, I felt great and more energetic during a week that is usually a NO fun, ZERO energy week for me.
Maybe there's something here...maybe it was the chocolate...
I gave it a try and succeeded to increase my activity level once last week. Not exactly a great start, but a start all the same ;)
My daughter and I danced to an entire CD in the living room. I actually worked up a sweat, and she had a lot of fun dancing in her princess dress. I also took the stairs and parked farther away than usual. This week will be interesting. I'm feeling a bit winded for no reason at all, so I'm doing what I can when I can.
Oh, and I did shovel snow! Not that that counts, but it was fun anyway ;) I love snow.
I don't believe that people need to work out like crazy to be in good health, shape. I think eating and sleeping habits help take care of your body too. If you don't put junk food in, you don't have to work double hard to 'work it off'. And getting the right amount of sleep helps your body repair and heal. I did find a new favorite all day snack, something I can munch on all day: almonds. High in Calcium and crunchy, they're a great snack for us mamas.
So, my goal for this week? Do more days of increased activity, aka: adding some sort of aerobic exercise in addition to what I normally do (kids, house, cook, clean, work, kids, house, cook, clean, work...) And, also continue to eat and sleep right. Have to get to bed by 10pm! Doctor's orders.
If you follow this blog, then you know I've written a novel, and I'm now in the process of editing it, start to finish. Although Waiting for Paint to Dry is a fictional work in it's entirety, it also has significant elements that ring true to my personal life, past. This brought up some great questions concerning the repercussions of doing so, mainly what other people will find out and how you will feel about them knowing these true details of your life.
